A year ago today I received a phone call that would change my life forever. My mum is gone. The world around me crumbled. She was the best. Everyone is entitled to their bias, but I wouldn’t have asked for anyone else. Life would never be the same again. Four hours later the whole country went into lockdown. A two week lockdown that would still be going on a year later. Normal wouldn’t be the same for anyone.
365 days of missing her has hurt my heart more than I could have ever imagined. I know some people don’t like the term journey when talking about grief, but for me it has really helped to think of it in that way. Knowing those overwhelming days of sadness wouldn’t last forever really helped to move through them. There isn’t a day I don’t think of my mum but time has helped the good memories outshine the bad.
At the darkest depths of my grief, I couldn’t see how life could carry on. Nothing made sense and I didn’t know who I was any more. The thought of jumping back into ‘normal’ life was impossible. Too much to process when I didn’t know who I was anymore. It turns out when there’s a global pandemic, there isn’t much life to jump back into. That isn’t so easy either. I never thought I’d crave the outside world as much as I do right now.
We don’t really talk about death as a society do we? There are a set of unspoken rules to follow – funeral, wake, a week or two off work and visits to the grave for anniversaries. What happens when the pandemic rules override what we have always known? Maybe it’s time we start talking about death more. When it is the only certain thing in life, why is it still such a taboo?
For anyone reading this who has been struggling with grief, please know you are not alone. There aren’t any quick fixes, the best thing that has helped me is to have patience and kindness for yourself.